[im being sarcastic by the way.. if you didnt catch that..]
The message was from my own sister... asking me if I have been "doing heroin with Kiddo.."
because thats "what [she's] been thinking"....
I was so upset that I cried... and these accusations are all because I was...
"Wearing a jacket while dying [my] hair..".
Um... THANKS MEGAN...
I started thinking about it after I read it.. and she was acting kind of weird with me all day..
like... randomly stating how "pale" she is and trying to pull up my sleeve to see "how pale [I] was"..
and then asking what a scab was on my hand... and saying that my hand looked bruised as well..
I dont know what the scab was from... but I had kept picking at it...
I think it actually happened last time I was at my house... and its still just there...
And as for the bruising... I kept looking at my hand after she said that.. in light... with hardly any light..
I couldnt figure out how she saw "bruising"... maybe... because I am so pale... and you can see my veins...
they look kinda blue... I dont know?
I honestly dont understand where she came up with this fear of me doing heroin came from...
I know that a long time ago.. when Kiddo and I first started dating... that he had quit..
for a few weeks... cold turkey...
but then he started doing it again and he told me over the phone when that happened...
[we have been together for eight and a half months.. and this happened within the first month..
he was over it by the second..]
He has been clean since then though... I mean.. he does a drug class at Tarzana Treatment Center...
they drug test all of the people every other week...
Besides that... I told him that if he didnt stay clean this time... It was over...
and he decided that he would much rather lose heroin... than me.
I know that it gets hard for him sometimes... but I also know that as long as I am with him...
He wont slip up again.. I have faith in him like that..
Anyway.. I told my sister that it hurt really bad... her asking me that...
and I understand that it is just because she loves me.. and she wouldnt want to see me in that position..
[thats what I hope anyway..].
It just sucks when I have to defend myself... and for something like that...
- Mood:
discontent
Everything that I have ever said to anyone reading this has been 100%
T R U T H.
Believe it or not...
I would also like to let people know that I am trying my best to be on good terms with everyone...
Also... I am trying so hard right now to be there for my friends... without actually being THERE...
Unfortunately... its proving to be much harder than I ever imagined.. and I am SO SO SORRY... because I know that you need me... [or maybe you dont..].
I have cried so many times over this... Ive laid awake so many nights... gotten physically SICK from this...
Being sorry to everyone for everything... and trying to keep my wonderful.... beautiful friendships....
BUT GUESS WHAT:
Some people think that Im not doing anything... So..
If you think that Im not trying... I AM...
If you think that I dont care about you anymore... just because the only way I can talk to you is through messages on myspace or on here... I DO.
And just so that you know this as well... I am very bad at getting words out in order to express just how much emotion and LOVE flows through me... For YOU... Its hard...
Things always come out wrong... and then I get a response from whoever it was directed toward... CLEARLY expressing the fact that they didnt understand what I meant... and saying things back... making me feel AWFUL.... because it seems like I am not doing my best..
GUYS... IM TRYING SO HARD RIGHT NOW... AND I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH... BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO EXPRESS THAT FACT... IT GETS TWISTED AROUND [BY ME BECAUSE I AM TERRIBLE WITH WORDS LATELY]... AND IT MAKES THINGS SEEM LIKE I DONT CARE... BUT I DO..
PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT... PLEASE
I cant express any more of how I feel right now... but please... PLEASE... STOP PULLING ME IN A THOUSAND DIRECTIONS...
Please try to be a little more compassionate toward me.. because so few people are anymore..
I am only a human... no matter how much I try to be there for you guys... I never feel like I am doing well enough because of the things that are said to me...
ITS KILLING ME..
IM SO SORRY.........
And I shouldnt even have to explain myself this much.. but I feel like things are so twisted at this point... I had to say something...
I LOVE YOU.... try and love me back...
EDIT: By the way.. words are cheap.. I could say this a million times.. but you will never know just how I feel... until you see me break down like I have tonight...
- Location:Los Angeles
- Mood:
guilty
I tried..
I just felt like it was too much trouble.
I wake up this morning to my mom saying that she is
going to leave in about 10 or 15 minutes... so I go in
her room and ask her where she was going...
She was going to take my sister to the orthodontist...
I was kind of mad that she didnt wake me up or anything
because she knew that I needed to go to the bank and
my bank is on the way there and even if we didnt have time
to go to the bank on the way.. we could have stopped on
the way back..
Now... I know that I have my own car and everything...
I just thought it would be easier and I kind of wanted
to go to the health food store.. Its right by my sister's
ortho.
Anyway... so when I told her about the bank she just says
you have a car... youre not stuck here all day... go do it
yourself... Which didnt piss me off as bad as what she says
next..
Okay.. so I wanted these shirts and the only way to get them
is on the internet.. Of course my mom doesnt have a credit
card.. so I had asked her if she could ask her friend to use
her credit card... and I would just pay her back..
Well.. My mom ended up getting the card and everything..
I got the shirts.. and when I was getting the shirts off of
the site.. my mother says that she just went ahead and
paid her friend for the shirts...
I was thinking.. Oh.. awesome... early birthday present..
and I said thank you about a dozen times..
This morning though.. my mom informs me that when I
go to the bank.. I should pay her back... which she failed
to mention the day that she payed her friend for them...
Which I was going to do.. and at that time I had the money
on me... but I thought she was just being nice... and then
she just springs it on me a week later than I need to pay
her?!
Honestly.. arent parents supposed to pay for things like
that for their kids?... I could even understand if I was
already 18 but my birthday hasnt come yet...
She also brought up a time when she owed me 50 dollars
and she gave me 60...
I thought again that this time she was just being cool and
giving me 10 more dollars.. but I should have known
better... than to think that.....
Its really funny that she is being this tight with her money
right now too because my grandma just gave her 5000
dollars to get a car and whatever else she needed.. I know
she didnt spend that much on the car that she got..
She also stole 60 dollars from me and didnt say anything..
which I still havent gotten back... and she hasnt mentioned
it either... she never admitted to taking it when I asked her..
I dont think Ill ever ask her for money or anything again..
And I will even pay her back the $94.99 that I "owe" her..
- Mood: discontent
- Music:I Eat the Dead - Psycho Charger
I finally made a little picture for it and I cant fucking
seem to get it right...
Ill ask amber later..
This is fucking ridiculous.
I dont know how people can sit there and be
so passive about everything...
Even people who say that they know what is
going on and "it will get better"...
"tomorrow is another day.."
bullFUCKINGshit.
I dont think this post needs to say what
I am talking about.. because I know that
there might be a few people who relate
to what I am saying...
I wont stop until I get to where I want to be..
and Im not going to be passive any longer..
Im buckling down...
- Mood:
pissed off
The two worst feelings in this world is feeling that someone is
so close to you but so far out of your league that you cant
even think about having them.
And also feeling that you pour out half of your soul missing the
person.. wondering if theyre okay... dreading the fact that they
may have found someone that is not you to be with.. and having
that totally consume your being... but knowing in your heart
that they dont have the same thoughts.
Like a brick wall... and on one side youre having the worst time
of your life beating up your emotional self and drilling into the deepest
fathoms of your brain trying to figure things out about that person
wondering if you have ever crossed their mind once...
knowing that they probably dont do any of it.
And on the other side... You know theyre sitting there... having THE
time of their life... not worrying about you..
I seriously hate it.. and if anyone has any suggestions on how to
NOT let this happen.. I would be more than happy to hear them.
Also.. today was my cousin's birthday... I drew this for her:
There is more on my old "band" profile on myspace.
www.myspace.com/electrifiedintoxication
Um.. My car got broken in to as well.. If you want to hear me rant about that...
Let me know.
- Mood:
blah - Music:Oingo Boingo - No One Lives Forever
lately is because I feel like I cant post all of my negativity
on LIVEJOURNAL... Its kind of weird for me...
I mean having a bunch of people I dont really know reading random
posts about my "not-professionally-diagnosed-depression"
somewhat comforting but at the same time a little bit mentally unsettling...
Unsettling in the sense that I lay awake at night wondering if other people
are laying awake thinking about whatever I have written in these posts
or whatever I have said during the day.
I cant help but feel like such a burden to everyone around me.
If Im not screaming at someone... Im about to cry... If Im not about to cry...
Im contemplating jumping off of a building....
Im either too numb... or Im having a mass overload of emotion.
I dont know what to do anymore.... I dont WANT help... but I think I need it.
- Mood:
indifferent - Music:SHIT
Apparently I have what they call
"Oral Allergy Syndrome"
Which explains my allergies to melon, tomatoes, any fruit basically...
The test consisted of the nurse poking me with about 35 needles with
different allergens on the ends of them...
If they swell up.. that means I am allergic to it..
She said that there was only going to be one that swelled up
but it just so happened that ALL of them swelled up.
It has been almost 2 hours and while the swelling HAS gone down
some.. I still have bumps and redness..
Its pretty awful.
Also.. I wanted to share the pictures that I took..
I couldnt get a good picture where you could actually see the bumps too
well.. so I had to edit them kind of weird and the contrast is all high
and I had to make them darker...
( .allergens. )
+Candace.
- Mood:
irritated
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8)
colonel_mayhem- colonel_mayhem
- Myspace.
Syndicate
